Communication

Listening is a Choice and a Competency

I used to believe that I listened really well. That was until I found myself sitting in my professional coach training class doing an exercise on listening.

After that 15 min exercise, I was humbled by how I was hearing what was being said but not actually listening.

Instead, I was thinking about how I could relate to what was being said, or what I wanted to say next, or just waiting for the person to take a breath long enough for me to jump in with an experience I wanted to share.

Be Fully Present When Listening

There was a lot going on in my head but none of it was “fully present listening” – turning down the volume on my internal chatter and placing my focus fully on the other person.

One of the most powerful ways we can show up as leaders is to be fully present and listen to others.

To seek understanding.

To listen for what’s not being said.

Sometimes the very act of listening to someone is all they need in the moment. They don’t need you to fix, solve, or do anything – just listen.

The greatest part about listening is that it’s a practice!

You get better at it the more you do it.

Practice Listening!

What’s one situation or relationship where an improved practice of listening could have a big impact on the outcome?
What’s a challenge that you want to give yourself today around listening?
Write down just a few notes about how you’re feeling about the situation and how you want to challenge yourself today.

Listening and Reflection

At the end of today, come back to your notes and answer these questions:

What did you do differently?
What, if anything, did you notice about the impact it had on the other person?
What, if anything, was different about the outcome of this situation?

Enjoy Building the Competency of Listening!

Marsha

Intentional Listening Means Being Curious

Are We Listening? Maybe. But How?

Chances are good that we don’t think much about how we listen. We just do it as we always have.

Maybe when we were younger, we were told to be quiet while someone else was speaking. Maybe we listen harder when we hear someone purposefully whispering or talking about us. The truth is, we generally don’t listen with the intention to do it well or to be helpful.

When we don’t know how to or don’t try to listen well, the conversation may not often go much beyond small talk. We may divert the conversation away from what the speaker wanted to say or cut it off before something important is said. We may even be unhelpful when we divert the conversation back to ourselves.

Add Curiosity To Your Listening

If you’re thinking listening is hard with certain people, keep reading, there is good news! The good news is that to have curiosity in a conversation is simply a relief! It means that you don’t need the answers. You can slow down and relax into the conversation, and simply rely on your innate sense of curiosity.

The first step to listening mastery is to be aware of our tendencies. In other words, knowing how we usually listen. Once we know that, we can try to improve it. Having a framework helps, of course!

So, here’s the framework we teach at TeamCatapult.

Framework for Listening

There are three levels of listening, according to “Co-Active Coaching: Changing Business, Transforming Lives” by Henry and Karen Kimsey-House.

Level I is called “Internal Listening”
Level II is called “Focused Listening”
Level III is called “Global Listening”

Internal Listening

This is the most common form, so you may recognize it. While we’re listening to someone else, we’re actually paying attention to our own thoughts. Our responses tend to be about ourselves, not the other person. Some examples are:

A: “I just went to Spain last week.”

B: “Oh, nice! I love Spain! I was there about 3 years ago.”

And, if we do ask a question, it tends to ask for data, something the person can answer pretty easily, usually with a “yes” or “no”.

A: “I was in Barcelona”

B: “Oh, did you go to the Sagrada Familia? That’s my favorite place there.”

Here is a work-related example of Level 1 listening:

A: “I need to talk to you about my team.”

B: “You and everyone else. My teams are falling behind this week too.”

A: “I’d like to try something new.”

B: “Have you already talked to John about it?”

Focused Listening

The objective is to listen for meaning (content, empathy, clarification, collaboration). If we ask a question, it continues the thread that was already started and hopefully, causes the person to share again.

A: “I just went to Spain last week.”

B: “Oh, nice! What attracted you to Spain?”

A: “My son just finished a semester there.”

B: “Wonderful. How did he like it?”

And, a work-related example of Level II listening:

A: “I need to talk to you about my team.”

B: “Okay, what’s going on?”

A: “I’d like to try something new.”

B: “Say more, I’m curious.”

Notice that in Level II listening, the focus remains on the person speaking. The listener may have thoughts about how the topic relates to him or her, but still keeps the focus on the other person.

Global Listening

The conversation objective is to listen for depth (intent, emotion and intuition). At this level of listening, sometimes we hear what isn’t said, or we notice something about the way in which something is said. We may notice facial expressions, changes in tone or body language.

A: “I just went to Spain last week.”

B: “Oh, nice! What attracted you to Spain?”

A: “My son just finished a semester there.”

B: “I noticed your whole face lit up when you said that!”

A: “I always wanted my children to have an international experience, so I’m just thrilled!”

And, for that work conversation:

A: “I need to talk to you about my team.”

B: “Okay. You seem stressed. What’s going on?”

A: “Yeah, I am very stressed out.”

B: “How could I help you release some stress before we talk about your team?”

Careful and Intentional Listening

As an Agile coach, we aim to be helpful and being helpful requires careful and intentional listening. That’s why it’s a fundamental skill to master. Not only will the skill of listening help you in professional settings, but it works wonders with a spouse, children and friends too. It starts with listening in ways that suspend judgment and communicate curiosity and respect.

When we master listening, we are able to reach new levels of conversations, likely deeper and more meaningful ones. We can even help someone learn about him or herself too. This is important because our role as Agile Coach is not to teach or give answers but to facilitate self-awareness and draw out the knowledge, creativity and resourcefulness that is already within someone.

Although the “Global Listening” may not feel natural at first, the good news is that it’s possible to practice the three levels of listening in every single conversation! Notice what level you usually use, then challenge yourself to move up one level and stay there for as long as you can. If you slip back into level I by talking about yourself, that’s okay. It’s common. Just notice it and go back to level II listening, staying focused on the other person.

Practice The Three Levels of Listening!

As you practice this, notice how the conversation goes. Does it feel different than other conversations? In what way? Notice how much you can learn about the other person. Did they tell you anything surprising? Notice where the other person takes the conversation and remain curious. As we coaches like to say… “Notice what you notice!”

Your Job is to Unlock the Answers Within

Foundation of Agile Coaching

Asking powerful questions over giving advice is the foundation of a coaching approach.

The days of the rambling monologue are over. Thankfully. Agile team leaders today are expected to stimulate conversation and collaboration. As Forbes Magazine describes, “today’s great leaders understand how to unlock hidden value and unleash creativity and passion with the use of well-timed questions.”

Timing of Questions

Knowing when to ask a question is a useful skill.

Knowing how to ask a powerful question is a critical skill.

Asking powerful questions over giving advice is the foundation of a coaching approach. Whether the coaching is a one-on-one coaching conversation or a team-coaching conversation, the belief is the same: People have their own answers within. They are naturally creative, resourceful and complete. Leaders, like coaches, who hold this belief seek to unlock other’s perspectives, contributions and answers.

The Role of the “Unlocker”

This starts with assuming good intent, i.e., the person is doing his or her best. Assuming good intent is inherent to effective listening. Effective listening will:

Suspend judgment and communicate curiosity and respect
Channel the attention
Bring to the surface any underlying assumptions
Invite new possibilities
Generate energy and forward movement

Ultimately, when done well, a coaching conversation using effective listening creates deep meaning and evokes more powerful questions.

Some skeptics doubt the value of powerful questions. It could be that they don’t hold the belief that people have their own answers within. As Peter Drucker, well-known management consultant, educator and author says, “Asking questions invites creativity, is empowering, and inspires us to consider alternatives…[it] helps us to calibrate and access our own capability to solve problems…building our self-confidence and self-efficacy.” Let’s look at what happens when we ask powerful questions.

What Makes a Question Powerful?

It’s short. It is only 7 words or less.
It’s open-ended. It cannot be answered with a yes or no.
It focuses on the future, rather than the past.
It starts with “What” or “How”.

What Makes a Question Less Powerful or Not Powerful At All?

It starts with “Why”. To some people, the word “Why”, sounds blaming (flashback to “Why did you spill your milk?!”) and they can take a defensive stance, even without meaning to.
It is closed-ended or seeks to gather data that the person already knows, and doesn’t require any reflection.

A: “How many people are on your team?”

B: “Ten.”

A: “How long have you been doing that?”

B: “Two years.”

These are not inherently bad questions, but they are stronger when followed by a powerful question.

A: “How many people are on your team?”

B: “Ten.”

A: “What is your pattern with this team?” *

B: “I tend to let the two most outspoken people dominate.”

A: “How long have you been doing that?”

B: “Two years.”

A: “What works well about using that method?” *

B: “Some team members have started coming to the meetings more prepared to speak up.”

Notice the two questions with * are open-ended and more powerful, especially when following a closed-ended or data gathering question. Other elements, tones, or unintended stances that a close-ended question reveals:

The question asker is looking for a specific answer or tone (even inadvertently).
The question asker stops listening and responds to his or her own question, sometimes not leaving any space for the other to respond.
“What could we do about tomorrow’s meeting? I’m only asking because I think we should…”
The question is not a question at all, it’s a suggestion or disguised opinion. We call them “que-gestions!” Beware of anybody who starts a question that way!
“Don’t you think you should pick this option?”
“Doesn’t it seem obvious that you are heading in the wrong direction?”

Instead, prepare to inspire a great conversation by having a few powerful and versatile questions in your back pocket. Here are some to get started, but remember, the best questions come from careful listening and deep curiosity.

Powerful Questions

What is important about that?
What’s frustrating you?
What’s inspiring you?
What help do you need?
What makes you see it that way?
How could that go wrong?
How will you know when you’ve achieved that?
How will you plan for success?
How are others seeing the situation?
How will this impact others?

Practice Asking the Right Questions

As you practice using powerful questions, notice how the conversation goes. Does it feel different than other conversations? In what way? Notice how much you can learn about the other person.

Did they tell you anything surprising? Notice where the other person takes the conversation…and remain curious.

As we coaches like to say… “Notice what you notice!”

Rich Understanding & Communication for Rich Results

Heineken’s new viral video has an important message about the role that container building and conversation plays in overcoming barriers and conflicts. Check it out…

Politics in the United States is providing us with a heightened sense of awareness about our differences. But these kinds of exchanges are not new, we’re just lately watching them on bigger screens.

Rich Conversations In The Workplace

How do we adapt and use these kinds of conversations in our workplace, day-to-day? Or for the teams that we serve? With a little proactive work, these are rich and valuable conversations that we can be fostering in our teams as well.

As team leaders or facilitators we’re helping teams daily to navigate conflict by finding the balance between inquiry and advocacy. Heineken’s video demonstrates some useful tools that we’ll break down for you further on in the post.

Let us just say this:

Laying the Groundwork and Engaging in Different Kinds of Conversations Does Take More Time!

The results for the team are richer understanding between team members, higher quality outcomes, and improved velocity.

What would that look like?

The same conversation that keeps happening at each meeting due to the same unresolved conflicts would be eliminated. The habit of not listening and talking past one another? Gone.

How about by talking with and listening to each other, team members will actually achieve the results you know you and your team are capable of producing? It is that satisfaction and achievement that builds momentum inside a group.

If you haven’t seen the video by now, definitely watch it before you move on to help identify how you might prepare your team for these kinds of conversations.

Lay the Groundwork for Rich Communication

Step one:

In order to work with conflict, teams can’t just dive into the deep end of the pool. They need to spend time laying the groundwork. And, to be clear, laying the groundwork is not a one time task; it’s ongoing.

Here are some principles to keep in mind:

Get to know one another as people. We each have dreams, hopes, fears and challenges. When we put labels on people we start to view them as a concept or idea to be debated or defeated. When we take the time to know others as people first, rather than the label we’ve placed on them, it shifts our perspective.

Find Common Ground

When we start by acknowledging the things that we are aligned with, then we can build from there.
When we start from disagreement, it’s harder to find alignment and we become stuck in the back and forth nature of conflict: where one person “must be” right and the other “must be” wrong.
When we can find common ground, even if is just a shared value, there is an energy created from alignment. The alignment can move the conversation forward with more depth and meaning.

Work Together on a Task

When teams come together they need a purpose. Simply put, a common task provides that common ground and creates a feeling of forward progress and achievement that they can attain, and feel together. Resulting in a very positive foundation for a high performing team.

Engage in a conversation

Step 2:

When you lay the groundwork you create an enabling environment that supports more difficult conversations. Here are some principles to think about:

Aim For Dialogue

Dialogue is a specific kind of conversation. It’s ‘in the flow of meaning’ participants actively seek to deepen understanding beyond what they already know. In dialogue there is balance between inquiry and advocacy.

Voice Your Authentic View

In order to be in dialogue, we need to know what’s really true for others. Holding back or filtering what we say does not help to further the conversation. It only gets the group lost in trying to decipher what you’re saying, from what you really intend.

Inquire: Ask Powerful Questions

Powerful questions are short, often start with “What” or “How” and inquire about the other. When we come from a place of ‘knowing’ versus the place of inquiry we miss out on the opportunities to learn and find places of alignment and empathy.

Questions like “What’s it like to be you?” “What’s important about this?” or “What are three things we have in common?” are powerful inquiries!

By focusing on similarities and common tasks to be achieved, it’s easier for team members to remember they are actually on the same team. When the communication is strong and the inquiry level is high, more challenging conversations can be held without dissension and without defensiveness.

Next, Take a Look at Your Team

In order to help you activate these two powerful steps, take a few minutes and identify:

Where do you encounter similar types of conversations, as the video illustrated, at work?
Where do you need a different kind of conversation?
What’s one thing you could do today that might lay the groundwork?
Where does conflict exist in your team?
When conflicts or differences emerge in your team think about how you might apply some lessons from either the Heineken video, or the steps above.

You and your team can build strength and trust when you lay the groundwork and then engage in conversation in an ongoing manner. Breakthroughs and solutions come from better understanding. So do better team results.

Diagnosing and Changing Stuck Patterns in Teams

Deja Vu or Patterns?

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of a conversation having a “Groundhog Day” moment, thinking that you’ve already had this conversation before?

As human beings, we’re good at patterns; they get created by the habits we have. Some habits are conscious (we know we’re doing them), while others are unconscious (we’re not aware of what we’re doing or the impact it’s having on others).

A Personal Example of a Stuck Pattern

When my daughter, Lauren, was very young, we had what I call a “Groundhog Day” conversation, and it would typically happen whenever we were getting ready to go somewhere that Lauren didn’t want to go.

Our conversation would generally go something like this:

Me: Do you have your shoes on?

Lauren: No.

Me: Well, we’re getting ready to leave in 10 minutes. You need to get your shoes on.

Lauren: OK.

After about 5 minutes, I would come back to check whether Lauren had put her shoes on.

Me: Are your shoes on?

Lauren: No.

Me: Well, what have you been doing?

Lauren: I’m playing.

Me: Well, go get your shoes on.

Lauren: OK.

And then here I am, getting ready to walk out the door, and I turn around to see there are still no shoes on her feet. This was our pattern of conversation every morning. We would go round and round like this.

In the structural pattern of this conversation, I was making a move and Lauren was making a follow by simply saying OK. But the reality is that she had no intention of putting her shoes on because it just wasn’t that important to her to do so. In this way, her action was a follow, but what was really happening was a covert oppose.

A Model for Noticing Patterns

Why is it important to notice patterns? David Kantor has studied conversational patterns in face-to-face communication for over 30 years, from which he developed the theory of Structural Dynamics. What emerged from his studies is a universal theory of face-to-face communications.

Through his research, Kantor found that 1) the structure of the conversation determines performance, and 2) there are two realities present in the room when people are speaking: one is visible and one invisible. This means that by determining the structure of the conversation, you can begin noticing the patterns in structural terms, rather than the emotional story that goes along with them. By reading the room from a structural perspective, you can actually pinpoint where you or your team may be stuck and shift the pattern to make the conversation more productive.

The Four Actions of Effective Conversation

Let’s focus on action modes, or what Kantor calls the Four Player Model. According to this model, all conversation between individuals can be coded into one of four actions:

Move: A move initiates an idea, action or direction in communication for getting the conversation started. You can think of this as setting the flow of the conversation in a particular direction.
Follow: A follow continues the direction (or flow) of the conversation, and in doing so, it supports a move. A follow does not always mean agreement; sometimes it can further inquire about a move.
Oppose: An oppose challenges or disagrees with the idea, action or course of the discussion. It pushes back, corrects and/or offers an alternative perspective.
Bystand: A bystand notices what’s happening and articulates that awareness (without moral judgment). It adds a neutral perspective for the good of the team, plus it helps the team see what’s happening and how they’re operating. You can also bystand yourself by telling the team how you’re feeling, what you’re curious about, or something else you see in yourself.

In order to be in an effective dialogue, all four actions must be present and active, meaning that someone is actively bringing those actions into the conversation. What happens when conversations become ineffective is that there is often one or more actions that are missing from the conversation.

Naming the Pattern

There are four common patterns that emerge in groups when one or more actions are missing. By being able to see and name a pattern, you’re giving the team information that allows them to be more aware of the pattern so they can take action to change it. A simple way to do this is to give a quick introduction of the four-player model to your team, then name the pattern that you’re observing.

Now, let’s look at some common stuck patterns within teams.

Serial Moves

Serial moves create lots of different energy in different directions. Part of this pattern is that many topics and ideas are placed on the table. Say today’s meeting is about the budget, but someone pipes in and mentions that next week’s picnic planning still isn’t resolved, and then someone else adds that the pothole out front should really be fixed before people show up for the company event.

With all of these topics on the table, there’s no real follow in the conversation. No topics have been closed out before new ones have been opened. This creates a lot of energy that can feel incomplete like there is little progress being made and no forward momentum.

You’ll know this pattern has emerged when you leave a meeting and think, what did we actually do in there? Sure, all kinds of things were discussed, but you walked away without any action or a clear understanding of what decision was made.

Courteous Compliance

With courteous compliance, there is a lot of follow (similar to groupthink). When someone who is really strong puts new topics on the table and offers up solutions, there’s often little resistance. Instead, the action is completed because teams follow a move put forward by someone.

This happens for a couple of different reasons. Some might value harmonious workplaces and think of their coworkers as a family (especially in family-run businesses). Therefore, they want to maintain the peace and keep the workplace happy.

Other companies have a real respect for hierarchy. When the leader has made a move, teams will go with it because nobody wants to challenge what the leader has to say. They follow along because they think it’s their job to do so, rather than to move or oppose. It could also mean that it’s not safe to offer opposing viewpoints in that system. Team members can become disempowered in this environment and believe that complying is part of their job, especially when there is lots of clear hierarchy.

Point-Counterpoint

Also known as advocacy, point-counterpoint means advocating for one’s point of view over someone else’s. The energy here can have an “I’m right, you’re wrong” feeling to it, or that someone’s playing Devil’s Advocate because they think it adds depth to the conversation.

A more effective way to bring the opposition into the room is to find the 2% you can agree with if only to align with the value someone is speaking from and be specific about what is being opposed. This allows for a new move to be put on the table. It creates a structure that builds on the idea, instead of tearing it down.

Ultimately, the problem is this: groups need a clear and effective oppose in the conversation. The most helpful oppose are those that identify the specific things you are aligned with AND the specific things you are not in agreement with. Critique just for the sake of offering criticism without an offer of what to do instead isn’t helpful and may even result in the person being labeled as difficult, which prevents forward movement rather than promoting it.

Covert Opposition

Covert opposition emerges when you agree to something you really intend to oppose. Say someone asks you to go to lunch, and you don’t really want to go to lunch, but to be agreeable, you go anyway. Or you suggest something different, like going to get ice cream. Either way, you’re not admitting that you don’t want to go to lunch. Instead, you make another move, which is a covert way of opposing.

The challenge in communication happens when we’re not bringing all of the clear actions into the conversation. Is lunch really all that important? Probably not, but reviewing the new product strategy is. For whatever reason, if you don’t feel you can voice your opposition, you either follow or make another move. With both actions, you don’t clearly articulate what you dislike or oppose regarding the strategy.

There’s something missing from that conversation. For both individuals and teams, it’s important to create a space where people feel safe to disagree or bring candor into the conversation. (Basically, to voice their opinions without fear of getting fired.)

If there are unproductive patterns, you might notice these common experiences:

You disagree with the direction the group has decided to go, but find that you’re holding back from saying something.
You might think you offered your opinion, but you feel as if it were dismissed or not heard.

Changing the Pattern

Remember the story of my daughter and me? Once I caught sight of the structure of our pattern, I could take action. One of the things I did to change our pattern was to create a way for her to make a move that I could follow, which is more empowering than just being told to do something.

Here’s how our new conversation would go:

Me: What are you doing? (Move)

Lauren: Building a house out of legos. (Follow)

Me: Ah, I love how colorful it looks! (Follow)

Me: It’s 7:50 and your school bus will be here in 10 min. (Bystand) What do you need to do to finish getting ready? (Move)

Lauren: I need my backpack and shoes. (Follow) I’ll go get them and then come back to my legos if I have time. (Move)

Me: That sounds like a great idea! (Follow)

Today, Lauren has a “Get Ready to Leave” chart that she drew herself and it has check marks to track what’s been done and what’s left to do in order to be ready to leave the house.

I share this story because it’s a really simple example of how we individually bring actions to a conversation that can cause a pattern to form. As simple as it sounds this was a frustrating conversation for both of us each morning. Some patterns might be useful, while others may get in our way of getting to the real conversation. As soon as we identify patterns, our first thoughts can be about the other person and what they need to change. But since we can’t change others, the first place to start is with ourselves.

The point of this story wasn’t to change my daughter. Rather, the work for me was to change how I acted, the part that I contributed to our stuck pattern by changing the way I approached the conversation.

Leaders Go First

As a leader, be looking for patterns in the conversation that are no longer supporting the team and then look for a way to restore any missing actions to balance the team’s collective actions.

It’s more than just shifting the conversation in the moment. While that can be helpful, the deeper question is: what’s creating this pattern? If the opposition is absent from the team, what kind of environment has been created where oppose is not valued? How might you, as the leader, be making it unsafe to oppose? If new moves are made as a kind of covert opposition, then how can you inquire about a clear opposition? When you specifically ask for it, this makes it safer for people to voice.

Simply changing action in the room doesn’t make it sustainable. This only changes it for the moment. So how do you change it on an ongoing basis? Start by determining the action that’s missing most from the conversation, then either bring that action yourself or ask for it from the group.

Here’s the hard truth: you cannot do this for others until you have done it for yourself. With that in mind, here are some reflection questions to get you started:

What’s the action that you use most often?
How does it vary between different groups or in different situations?
When might you overuse this action? Is it a stuck action for you? What might be underneath your stuck action?
What’s one different action that you could bring to the situation that might shift your conversation?

Want more information? Check out Reading the Room: Group Dynamics for Coaches and Leaders by David Kantor.