Communication

3 Things to Never Compromise On When Building Your Career

No matter where you are in your leadership journey: at the beginning, in the middle or on top of your game, at some point in your career you will be asked to compromise for the ‘good of the team’.

Now, chances are high that we all experience this situation at one time or another. So it’s prudent to reflect on it and think about it so you’re prepared when it occurs. .

The truth is I was asked this question a few years ago. Fortunately, I was able to articulate three things I am not willing to compromise on. No matter what.

As I wrote them down, I found comfort knowing that if I feel myself wavering, I can easily go back to these three things. I encourage you to make your own list and to put it somewhere where you can reference it quickly.

Some might even consider that this is about your reputation and your self-preservation that’s at risk.

What Will You Never Compromise On in Your Career?

Here are the 3 things I’ve identified I will not compromise on.

1 Doing work for free

If you’re just getting started in business it can be easy to fall into the trap of giving away work for free.

Don’t do it.

It devalues what you bring and the product or service you have to offer. Instead, have a purpose driven strategy for when you might discount work or do pro-bono work and stick with it.

I have discounted rates in order to support a cause or non-profit mission that I believe in.

2 Doing work with others when it’s not a good fit

Early on in my company I was focused on revenue and keeping the lights on. That led to clients and partnerships that I didn’t really enjoy.

As Marie Kondo says, those relationships did not bring me joy.

Today, I trust my instincts and when I meet someone – potential colleague, client or business partner – and the relationship just feels ‘off’, or I’m having to work too hard to move things forward, then I know it’s not a good fit. I’m always asking myself ‘does this bring me joy?’

3 Saying yes to projects without clear goals

When asked to contribute to someone else’s projects, I don’t immediately say no.

I am often asked to contribute my

Time
Funds, i.e. sponsorship
Thoughts, i.e. podcast, blog, speaking

Before I say decline or accept, I honor the value of being curious and ask for distinct goals.

If there are no clear goals, no measures of success put in place, no data to be shared with myself and my team, I pause to evaluate if this is worth my (our) time? If not, I circle back up to #1 and 2 and I decline.

Ideally, goals align for all parties. If the goals set forth do not align with my own business goals, I will also decline.

Build Your Career Your Way

I encourage you to do this work soon.

Answer the question:

“What are 3 things I would never compromise on” and write down your answers.

Someday soon you’ll be glad you did.

You will save yourself a lot of headaches, frustration, time and ultimately money!

~Marsha

11 Agilists Share How Much They Enjoyed Reconnecting In-Person at Agile2022

In case you missed it, you are suffering from extreme FOMO, or if you are planning ahead for next year… here is an Agile Roundup of the BEST of Agile2022!

This event was a momentous return to in-person events for many attendees, who came from all corners of the world to attend this conference in Nashville, Tennessee.

Agile 2022, organized by Agile Alliance, was held from July 18 – 22.

From their website: “Agile Alliance’s annual conference is dedicated to exploring, innovating, and advancing Agile values and principles, and creating a space for people and ideas to flourish. The conference brings Agile communities together year after year to share experiences and make new connections. Join passionate Agilists from around the world to learn about the latest practices, ideas, and strategies in Agile software development from the world’s leading experts, change agents, and innovators.”

We asked our friends and colleagues who attended to share their feedback, based on five questions. We are excited to introduce you to our featured contributors:

William Strydom, Coach
Jason Hall, Organizational Coach
Tricia Broderick, Leadership Advisor
Sally Elatta, CEO AgilityHealth
Israel J. Pattison, ScrumMaster at SoftPro
David Fogel, Professor of Agile
Anjali Leon, Founder and Principal Agility and Product Coach at PPL Coach
Lynn Wolf-Hill, Enterprise Coach
Amy Neff, Lean Agile Coach
Joanne Stone, Agile Coach, Transformation Coach, Leadership Coach, Founder of Wick’d Agility
Marsha Acker, Principal at TeamCatapult, Leadership and Team Coach, Author, Speaker

What was it like to come to Agile2022 after a 2 year hiatus?

The first question we asked of everyone was a loaded one! We’ve all felt the sting of isolation, of quarantining, of working remote vs in-person. What was it like to meet up with friends and colleagues for the first time since march 2020?

Here are their answers:

William -It felt overwhelming at first to see and be with so many people in one place!
Jason – It was heart felt like none before. Every conversation was that more intimate and every new connection that much more grounded.
Tricia – Soulfilling
Sally – Refreshing
Israel – Agile 2022 is my first time attending a national conference on agile. I usually attend the annual regional conference in Raleigh, TriAgile. It is good to have in-person options return after two years, and I was thrilled to be able to attend.
David – It was like a sprint zero – I was engaging with folks in way that felt new and well precedented at the same time. I had to check a lot of assumptions… and I then realize I had more assumptions to check… oh wait, there are a few more. Now I am ready for Sprint ONE in 2023!
Anjali – I was very much looking forward to presenting the ideas that my co-presenter and I had been working on through the pandemic and getting feedback from our community. It received lots of positive feedback and support that was invigorating. The true joy was remembering what it feels like to be with a tribe and to have each conversation be deep and meaningful. I left with a lot more connections and lifelong than I expected.
Lynn – Rewarding to reconnect & also see how agile has evolved
Amy – Refreshing and great to connect with people again! I found I really needed to hang out with my agile peeps!
Joanne – At first overwhelming and then turned to more delight every day. I started before the conference with the World Wide Coach Camp and a beautifully small group of 40 souls. How wonderful to spend time at the Nashville Zoo and these great individuals. A beautiful gentle start. Agile2022 is the very first big Agile conference I have been to. I was so amazed that over 1500 people came and the buzz was so incredible. It was overwhelming because I felt so socially awkward – masks on or masks off – do we sit close together or not – how will others feel because of COVID… Yet each day, I felt more at home, more connected to others and the beautiful 40 souls were my familiar faces that I would see in the hallways and meals. I attended one session each day as I was preparing for my panel on Thursday. I will definitely go to Agile2023 as I made so many new connections and the space that was created by the Agile2022 crew was very warm and welcoming. Thank you all! Finally, the conference gave me hope that we can adjust and meet in person.
Marsha – It was so amazing to see colleagues and friends, in person, after such a long period of not gathering together. The hugs and smiles and laughter were well worth it! This event for me this year was more about re-connecting than anything else.

Is there an Agile2022 speaker – or a quote you loved the most?

Of course, we wanted to know what our friends learned at #Agile2022. They all had a favorite speaker or quote!

William – Kelsey Hightower’s keynote on Engineering with Empathy was great. It brought the human factor to the forefront in whatever we do.
Jason – I’m horrible at remembering quotes but I can remember a speaker’s essence from Kelsey Hightower’s empathy centered approach to technical leadership, to Bethany Andres bucking the hierarchical norm, to Yvette Hatton’s elevation of product management/design above the typical tropes.
Tricia – Linda Rising
Sally – “What did you do when you knew?” Lyssa Adkins from the poem
Israel – Kelsey Hightower’s keynote, Engineering with Empathy, emphasized for me the importance of carrying the human impact of product development with us from the earliest conversations and requirements. I was reminded who benefits from our work and how our products impact their dignity and purpose.
David – Bethany Andres-Beck gave a great presentation on “Radical Culture of Culture Building”
Anjali – “agile is a humble adjective” – Joshua Kerievsky
Lynn – “agile is connecting the dots.” I really liked the blunt honesty of Melissa Perri.
Amy – Christine Hudson and Ronica Roth
Joanne – Lyssa Adkins
Marsha – I loved the opening keynote speaker – Kelsey Hightower. He said “A 10x engineer is not someone who is just working 10x better than anyone else. I think a 10x engineer is the type of person who can come in and make 10 other people better than they were before”

Was there any practical advice you received at Agile2022 that you can use right away?

This questions is one everyone loved! Who doesn’t love implementing NEW things, NEW ideas, NEW concepts?

William – Yes, Woody Zuill’s “Turn UP The Good”. I think we can all turn up the good in our own ways.
Jason – Jenny Tarwater’s awesome Interview prompt “What question do you wish I would ask you?”
Tricia – Analyze and apply ways to better offset carbon footprint
Sally – Yes got great advice on writing a book and resources to leverage
Israel – I am offering weekly Agile Office Hours in my company after the idea was presented in one of our sessions. Offering training, coaching, or mentoring on a regular basis makes more sense to me than waiting for the opportunity to find me.
David – “My desire to express myself requires me to focus on my intrinsic goals. But my desire to progress requires that I follow extrinsic goals – which have a psychological tendency to subsume interest in intrinsic intrinsic goals.”
Anjali – “What do you do when you have outgrown something? You can start something new.” – Marsha Acker
Lynn – The CLEAR workshop was very helpful as a model.
Amy – Yes, this session was full of information on how to facilitate meetings that help change and influence culture changes you want to see.
Joanne – Sara Baca’s – clean language exercise about fitting in vs belonging. Through the exercise I realized that it was ok to be both and that there did not need to be an either/or or a good/bad between the two choices.

What did you bring home from Agile2022?

The fun question in the bunch, and the one with the most surprising answers!

William – Lots of a-ha’s from conversation with people at the conference and great swag from the ICAgile folks.
Jason – Marsha’s amazing book of course, Build Your Model for Leading Change and a proper backpack courtesy of ICAgile.
Tricia – poster and pictures
Sally – Didn’t bring back COVID
Israel – I drop-shipped eleven books home before my flight including a collection of four books from Scrum.org that I won in the door prize drawing and, of course, Build Your Model for Leading Change by Marsha Acker. I’ve been passing out a whole bag full of swag to folks at the office this week.
David – WAY TOO MUCH FOR THIS SPACE! On Saturday 7/23 I started using my TC pen! ALSO I absolutely treasure my copy of Marsha’s Facilitation book – signed by the six of us from DAU who attended the conference together! Third, my thinking partner and I are looking forward to Marsha’s new book.
Anjali – No a lot….except an ICAgile hoodie and laptop bag, Marsha’s Facilitation book and Workshop on creating your model for change.
Lynn -Um. Everything? Grandkid-rules
Amy – 2 books, Marsha’s new book (woohoo), Esther Derby 7 rules for positive productive change and lots of other swag.
Joanne –An amazing book from Marsha Acker, backpack and journal from ICAgile … I wish I could bring home all the new connections and old connections 🙂
Marsha Acker – Not much this time! The conference was really light on paper handouts (which IMO is great!) and I just didn’t find the need to collect a lot of stuff! We did have our camper in town and so I got a teal foldable seat from the ICAgile booth on Thursday afternoon (they were giving away their decorations) that is now part of the camper decor! HAHAH!

How did Agile2022 impact you?

Read these answers if you are considering coming to #Agile2023! Lots of great insight into why meeting in-person is important.

William – It was great to meet new people and reconnect with friends I have not see in awhile. It reminded me that we are part of a wonderful collective that has a positive impact on the world.
Jason – It recharged me for the next 5000 zoom calls!
Tricia – Gave me hope
Sally – Energizing and felt connected again to my tribe
Israel – Many of the concepts that have been pounded into my head over the past decade seem to be all wrong now, and the cognitive dissonance is weighing on me heavily. How many times over the course of the week did I hear not to create roadmaps, not to use Story Points, not to use User Stories – all considered waste now apparently. Oh, and all those metrics I pride myself on – well, those appear to be out of fashion, too. The new, hot freshness looks interesting, but when will I ever have a chance to try them out?
David – Most plans to go to Mars, require a slingshot around the moon – and I now have multiple goals that will be launched now that we passed our Agile2022 Moon!
Anjali – I blogged about this… This year activated a shift. This year brought deeper connection. This year welcomed more intense dialog. This year heightened serendipity and synchronicity. This year felt like a ‘yes’ to play a bigger game.
Lynn – It made me Remember that learning means not resting on my laurels
Amy – Lots of positive impacts for me. I am inspired to experiment and try different techniques as a coach. Also, I am excited about connecting with other agilists going forward.
Joanne – Provided me hope that there are other agilists out there who care about making an impact on planetary challenges. We have a wonderful community.
Marsha – Profound impact of re-connecting with people! So great to be back other other humans!

We are Better Together! #Agile2023 Here We Come!

If you missed it don’t feel bad – but spring into action.

Make it a goal to attend #Agile2023 and meet these fabulous contributors, the speakers they talked about and fellow attendees. A huge thank you goes out to all who participated in this roundup post. We appreciate you!

PS Are you sorry you missed out on our private event at #Agile2022?

Come join us for a LIVE book club discussion for my new book ‘Build your Model for Leading Change‘.

5 Ways to Encourage More Thinking-Together Conversations in Your Organization

“Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions”

Sound familiar? This common phrase, passed down from generation to generation of executives and managers, was once believed to be the key to delegating and enrolling others in finding solutions to problems encountered in the workplace.

But it doesn’t work.

In fact, this monologic mindset – or one way conversation:

hinders learning and understanding about the problem itself
creates narrowly defined, unsustainable solutions
sets leaders and teams up to debate proposed solutions rather than fostering inquiry and innovation

Organizations are no longer served by solutions that are generated by one or two people. The dilemmas we face today and the change needed to create sustainable solutions are simply too complex. They require multiple perspectives, a whole-systems view, and the ability to test small changes where the organization can learn and adapt to emergent needs.

We need leaders who cultivate opportunities to think together through more dialogue and less monologue.

Leaders: It’s Time for Meaningful Dialogue

One of the biggest challenges executives face is creating space for dialogue, and yet it’s only through the process of meaningful, two-way conversation that new thinking can emerge and change initiatives can take flight.

So, what does real, open, generative dialogue actually look like in an organizational setting? I have found the model of what I call a Thinking Together Conversation to be the most effective way to productively engage with a problem and invite creative thinking for a new solution.

Thinking Together Conversations require genuine curiosity from all parties, as well as the belief that collective thinking will tap into collective intelligence and yield better solutions to a dilemma.

5 Ways to Foster More Thinking-Together Conversations in Your Organization

1 Frame the Problem or Dilemma to Think Together

Be clear about the context and the background of the problem. What are the facts? What’s the impact this is having on the organization? On the people? On the metrics? What role might each person play that contributes to the current state?

2 Invite Difference and a Safe Space for Dialogue

If you hold some level of authority or seniority in the conversation and you are not hearing a point of view that is different from yours then you should be deeply curious about why that is. When different points of view—opposing views, are missing from the conversation do not assume that there are none. Instead make it safe for others to offer a different point of view by openly inviting them. You might say – “Who sees it differently?” “What are we missing?” “What kind of risk does this open up for us?” If you’re still not hearing it, then invite people to contribute ideas anonymously – if you’re meeting online you can open up a collaboration tool and just ask everyone to share their thoughts and build on what they see others contributing.

Remember, a Thinking Together Conversation is not about solving the problem right off the bat. It’s about learning, understanding, and fostering an environment where a solution can be thoughtfully (and more effectively) co-created. Your goal is to help people stay in conversation with one another. This is accomplished by creating a space where people feel they are valued, trustworthy, and where they can share openly and candidly their perspective.

3 Suspend Having an Answer in Order to be Curious and Candid

Suspend the desire or need to start with answers or solutions. That will create advocacy rather than inquiry. Instead, clear your mind and come to the conversation with genuine curiosity and open inquiry. Be ready to hear and engage with different perspectives from your own. Be prepared to be candid about your own observations and experiences while remaining curious about your teams’ perspectives. You’ll be able to pull off what David Kantor calls the act of “Bystand”—a morally neutral observation about what’s happening. This is where you share what you notice from a place of inquiry and better understanding.

4 Host “Listening and Learning” Sessions to Encourage Dialogue

At the very heart of dialogue is the act of listening. This does not mean reloading your talking point while hearing the words someone else is saying. It is focused, non-distracted, deep listening. In this state, you are able to suspend your own thinking and can be open to really hearing another point of view. You are listening to the words spoken and the words not spoken. You are listening for depth, values, context, what’s important, and the meaning behind the words.

As a leader, ask to participate in team conversations and request permission to just listen and learn—and not have to provide solutions. Listen and inquire from a place of curiosity.

5 Ban Powerpoint As They Do Not Support Conversations

Powerpoints do not support conversation. They support a monologue—a one-way download; a lecture or presentation. There is very rarely any new thinking that comes from a Powerpoint presentation. In fact, when a Powerpoint is present, we have been trained to slip into “receive mode” and, in essence, disengage from our own perspective or opinion. Inevitably, people will roll their eyes and simply say, ‘Just tell me what you want me to do.”

Try banning Powerpoint and invite a Thinking Together Conversation instead.

Thinking-Together Conversations and Accessing the Power of Collective Intelligence

Problem solving – and the solutions to the problem, will take on a whole new meaning and purpose when people at all levels of the organization have the opportunity to think together and access the power of collective intelligence that exists within every organization.

Leaders, this way of thinking and engaging with one another starts with you.

How to Develop this Most Important Interpersonal Skill of Listening

One of our most basic human needs is the need to be heard and seen. Yet we live in a world where there is more transmitting than receiving.

Social media, email, video chats, etc. all exist to help you get your message and opinion heard.

We often think we are listening when in fact we are busy…

Making the conversation about ‘me’
Sifting and sorting for ideas that resonate for me
Making connections with things that are also true for me
Discarding things I don’t like
Gathering evidence to refute, persuade or cajole the other into seeing my perspective
Loading up my response and anxiously awaiting the moment I can respond
Making up stories about the other person, that may or may not be true
Drifting away, thinking about the past or worrying about the future

These are natural ways our brains function in a conversation, while it serves a purpose, it’s not really listening. So how do we develop this interpersonal skill of listening?

The Absence of Listening

Listening is foundational to communication and relationships with others.

You have likely experienced the absence of being heard in some way that led to feeling:

Disconnected
Mis-understood
Anxious
Fearful
Frustrated
Apathetic
Angry

We may not intend to have this impact on others, the absence of listening creates a loss of connection and understanding. It’s a void that can raise the stakes in a relationship. When the stakes go up, conflict and breakdown emerge.

That can look like anything from avoiding talking with someone, or having the same conversation over and over again, or a full blown argument with raised voices. The roots of conflict can often be traced back to someone feeling misunderstood or not heard.

Three Ways to Build the Muscles and Interpersonal Skill of Listening

Skillful listening is one of the most impactful skills in navigating interpersonal relationships.

It’s the doorway to genuinely seeing and hearing what’s said and not said. It influences the questions you ask and the outcome of conversations. Just like muscles that you work at the gym, the “listening muscle” strengthens with practice. Here are three attributes to concentrate on:

1 Focus of Attention

Be here now. It’s natural for our mind to wander. When it does, use a phrase like ‘be here now’ to gently bring your mind back to focus on the conversation that you are having right in this very moment.

Focus on the other. Bring the person(s) in front of you into focus and soften your focus on other things. Remove your devices or other distractions from your view, which signals to you and the other person that they are important.

2 Quality and Depth

Come with Empathy and Compassion. Empathy opens up the ability for us to imagine what it might be like in someone else’s shoes. Compassion enables us to be helpful to the other. When you start a conversation from a place of empathy and compassion, rather than a place of apathy, sympathy, irritation, punishment, or desire to prove someone wrong, it changes the quality of your presence and listening and the impact you have on others.

Listen for what’s not being said. There are the words we speak and then there is what we are not saying as well. What’s in between the words someone is saying? What are they pointing out without explicitly naming it? What assumptions do you hear being made? What’s the energy and tone in their voice? Where do they pause and where are they excited?

3 Response

Reflect. Reflect what you’re hearing and acknowledge the highs and lows. Being able to mirror back to someone what you hear them saying can be refreshing and clarifying for the other person. This is the moment when people feel an immediate resonance and when they realize that someone is actually listening. You might say things like:

This is really tough for you right now.
You seem very clear in your thinking.
There is a lot happening for you right now.
You are full of energy and excitement about this.

Inquire. Bring a mindset of curiosity and apply it when you practice skillful listening. Ask questions that deepen the conversation and create learning and insights for both the speaker and the listener. Listen to the words and phrases the other person uses and ask questions such as: :

What was that like for you?
What’s important about that?
You said it’s hard – what’s making it hard?
You said excited – what are you most excited about?

Suspend assumptions and solutions. When you notice that you’re starting to make assumptions or are tempted to start offering advice or solutions, pause and place those ideas in a mental parking lot – suspend them for the moment and use the ‘law of three’. If you have the same impulse three times then use that as a signal to ask the person for permission to share. You might say: “I have had a similar experience, would it be helpful to you if I shared what happened for me?”

Be willing to be changed. As you build the muscles of listening, be ready for change. Really listening to someone else can not only have a profound impact on them, but it can change you as well; if you allow it. I have watched someone enter a conversation with a very clear opinion on a certain topic and leave with a completely different one.. This happened because both parties were engaged and practiced ‘skillful listening’. It was through this conversation that not only did their opinions change, but the relationship became more connected because they felt seen and heard.

Over to You: How Do You Listen?

Is listening a skill you want to work on?

Will you be implementing these tips to listen with intent?

Speaking Truth to Power: How to Talk to Your Boss in a Way That Works

A common question among managers and agile coaches learning the skills of coaching others is, “How do I coach up”? In other words, “how do I coach my boss to be a better boss and tell them that I think they are the problem?”

There are two common reasons this question arises: the first is that there has been a specific interaction that has left someone feeling deflated or demoralized. Perhaps they were not heard and understood, or they didn’t like the way they were spoken to. The second reason is that they feel unsupported in their work, or maybe feel like they are being told to lead change while their boss’s behavior keeps rewarding old patterns instead.

This second scenario is part of a bigger issue—and one where it seems like the boss is the “problem.” Instead of creating change, it feels like you’re just slogging through the mud and getting your foot stuck with each step.

But chances are, what’s going on is not something that can be solved as simply as the concept of “coaching up.” In fact, there’s no such thing as “coaching up.” If what you’re actually looking for is the opportunity to give feedback about a specific incident, this is a feedback conversation. But when you’re addressing a bigger, systemic issue, it’s time for something more. Instead of trying to “coach up” or give feedback, try inviting your boss to a Thinking Together Conversation.

Speaking Truth to Power: How to Talk to Your Boss in a Way That Works

The Dark Side of Feedback

What’s missing most from feedback conversations in organizations today is the notion of inquiry. So many of us come into a conversation locked and loaded with our own perspective and the desire to just put our idea out on the table and have it heard. We expect the other person to make sense of what we’ve said and then take the action we desire.

While direct and candid feedback has a place and purpose, the common one-way delivery of one person’s experience can be unbalanced. It assumes that one person has the complete picture, that one person’s ideas are more “right” than the other’s, and that spending time asking someone else for their perspective or input is a waste of time.

This quick, get-in-and-get-out feedback style is what I call “driveby feedback.” It’s not really a conversation at all—it’s a one-way “download.”

No one wants to be told that they’re “doing it wrong,” and if you start from a place of assuming you know what the problem is—and only focus on telling your boss what they are doing wrong and what they need to do more of—it’s a monologic approach that makes you right and them wrong. You’ve invited them into a debate and set them up to either defend the actions they’ve taken or worse yet, just check out within the first few seconds of your conversation.

A Thinking Together Conversation: Speaking Truth!

So, what’s a Thinking Together Conversation and why does it matter? You’re thinking together with your boss in a way that can create real change.

Thinking Together Conversations require

all parties to come to the conversation with genuine curiosity
the assumption that solving the current problem or dilemma cannot be done by just one person
a broader, shared understanding of what’s happening

In a Thinking Together Conversation we

bring questions instead of solutions
invite others into a dialogue instead of a monologue
support the purpose of learning together to craft a better solution
engage in inquiry
engage in a real, meaningful conversation that can shift something important to the dynamic

3 Steps to a Thinking Together Conversation with your Leader: Speaking Truth

Here are some action steps you can take to invite a Thinking Together Conversation:

Step 1: Be clear about your intention.

Why do you want to have this conversation? How do you want to show up in it?

If your answer to either of these questions comes from a place of wanting to reprimand, punish, or blame your boss, then do some work on your own thinking before asking to have a conversation. Coming from that place will not serve anyone, and it definitely does not promote curiosity.

If, however, you’re coming from a place of genuine curiosity and seeking to understand—with a belief that there is more than one side to what’s going on—you’ll be in a much better position to start a real conversation. If you are willing to engage in a way that’s open to hearing different perspectives, both you and your boss will likely learn new information. From there, you will be far more likely to be able to create a new solution together.

Step 2: Create an invitation.

Invite your boss into a conversation for learning and exploration.

Behind every dilemma are multiple truths and perspectives about what’s creating the current situation. So make it inviting for you and your boss to want to come to the table.

Imagine that you’d received the results of a 12-month engagement survey suggesting that your boss’ lack of engagement was impeding progress. You could give driveby feedback that would get you nowhere, or you could create an invitation:

“We just got the survey results back. I would love to have a conversation with you about it and get your thoughts.”
“I notice that the engagement survey shows a ‘lack of engagement by senior management’ as the greatest barrier to our performance. I’m curious what you make of that?”

Understand that when managers are invited to a conversation, they are often expected to solve a problem or have some solution immediately. Instead of replicating that dynamic, try inviting them to a conversation for learning and understanding. Together, you might co-create a solution.

Step 3: Be prepared to offer your observations.

This can be one of the most challenging aspects of a Thinking Together Conversation. It requires you to both be curious about your boss’s experience and perspective and candid about your own observations. David Kantor calls this the speech act of Bystand—a morally neutral observation about what’s happening. To pull it off, you need to be prepared to share what you notice. Pulling from the scenario described above, here’s an example of how you might offer a morally neutral observation about what you see happening while remaining curious about what’s happening for your boss:

“Would it be helpful if I shared what I’ve observed? You asked that we schedule more collaborative planning meetings and include you. We now have these meetings booked every two weeks. However, you have attended 2 of 12 meetings in the past 6 months, and it’s left the team feeling confused and unmotivated. What’s happening on your end that’s pulling you away from these meetings?

Thinking Together Conversations move us away from looking for someone to blame and hold us accountable to the kind of inquiry that supports meaningful dialogue. When we seek to understand multiple perspectives and learn more about what’s happening in the current situation, it’s much easier to discover a new solution that might not exist yet. It’s an effective way of speaking truth to power while creating space for real results.

Speaking Truth: How to Talk to Your Boss in a Way That Works

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